Thursday, May 13, 2010


It's been a hard couple of weeks for me. I haven't wanted to blog about it because it's very personal. I know I've shared some personal things of my own on here, but the recent events aren't just personal for me, they involve others. People close to me. Dear to me. People that I would lay down my life for, close to me. My heart is hurting right now.  I guess I'm blogging to get it off my chest. Being vague isn't interesting to most, but I'm doing this for me, not anyone else.

I'm in a very happy marriage. Yes we fight. Yes we get annoyed with each other, but we are still NICE to each other and LOVE each other and RESPECT each other. That's normal, though, right? Well, that's what I say most of the time. I realize that this is not 'normal' for everyone, though. It's my normal. What is normal for most?

For most, I would say 'normal' is what you allow yourself to be comfortable with. From the outside looking in, it's easy to point fingers and say what's 'right' or what's 'normal'. But does anyone really have it all figured out? Of coarse, I like to think I do because I am happy.... with my life... with my marriage. 

Perhaps, I have no room to talk because I haven't ever experienced the horror other's have in relationships. Maybe this is for a reason. Maybe I know how to stray when I see something bad. Maybe I know what I'm talking about because I haven't experienced those things. Maybe not.

I will however never be able to understand the trap that people fall into. The horror they allow in their lives (and YES, I mean allow) and believe somewhere inside of them, that this is acceptable. It's not THAT bad. It hurts , but yet maybe I deserved it. Maybe I shouldn't have said what I said. Maybe God will change them. God doesn't approve of divorce. Maybe he wants me to learn something from this horror. Maybe God is using me to change them. I should stick it out. For them. Blah, Blah, Blah.

I don't get it. I never will. It frustrates me. There are certain vows you take when you get married. BOTH of you. One of you doesn't  honor those vows. I'm pretty sure God will understand if you decide to leave it behind and NOT stick it out. Also pretty sure that God doesn't live in a 'chapel' in Vegas. I'm just sayin. I think he has bigger plans for you. Why can't you see this? Why do you live to torment yourself?

Nevermind my heartache for you. Nevermind my worrying (although it never stops) What about you? You really believe that God wants to put you through this? No. He wants to heal you. He wants happiness for you. Since when do you NOT deserve this?

I've never felt so much anger in my life. Anger towards him. For making you believe these lies (even though you know better) For controling your mind like this. Your thought process. Why are you so afraid? And yet not afraid of him?

I don't understand, I know. I haven't lived this, so I can't talk. I know I would have left long ago. Yes, really. Even now, with all the ties I have. I would leave. Because I know God wouldn't want this even for a second. I'm not that forgiving. God can forgive him now, you can do it later.

I love you and can see such a bright future for you. It hurts so much to watch you in the middle of this. That's why I did what I did. Maybe it wasn't my place. Maybe you won't forgive me. I think I can live with that. Knowing you can start over. Be happy. That's what we all want for you. I know you didn't ask me to do it, but it needed to be done. If it were me, you would have done it. You would have done worse. Pulled me out by my hair. Because you love me.

Stop believing the lies, please! This is not the work of God. I know God can change people. I've seen it happen. It takes longer than a week. God doesn't intend for you to get hurt in the process. If the process has even really taken place. Of coarse he's going to tell you these things. Tell you what you want to hear. He's afraid right now. Afraid he's loosing you. Afraid he's not really in control anymore. Let him know he's not. Don't give in to all the bull!!! That's all it is. I know you think you know him. You know when he really 'means' it. But this is the time for him to lay it on thick. Don't you understand that? Let it go. Let him go. Let God be in control now. I love you.



  1. We've obviously never talked about this but Matt is my husband #2. My ex is in prison for federal drug charges (we were apart WAY before that). I had these thoughts--that if I loved him enough I could change him--that I was strong enough--that God wanted me to save him--that I deserved the abuse, the cheating, the thought of raising another woman's child ...

    We are supposed to offer love, grace, forgiveness ---BUT the person receiving grace and forgiveness MUST exhibit "fruit in keeping with repentance" (Luke 3:8). Whoever this is addressed to, please know that you must protect your heart. Don't build a wall--build a fence and allow the person back in once you've seen clear, consistent evidence of change. And not a second before. If He doesn't love you like Christ loved the church--then He needs to step up!

    Praying for you Amy.

  2. How would you react to your lover going into your church and destroying all of Gods beautiful things? Every painting, cross, sculpture, piece of stained glass and every book. Then setting the whole place ablaze.

    Please realise that you are Gods temple as well. You can't allow yourself to be destroyed emotionally or physically. This is supposed to be the person that loves and PROTECTS you, not degrade and hurts you. We love you and would never try to destroy who you are.

  3. Reagan - Thank you so much for sharing that. I know that is probably very personal for you, but it would make an excellent blog topic! It's nice to hear what someone has to say that has been through it and gotten out of it. (BTW- Good for you!) You have such an adorable family and a blessed marriage. Thank you so much for your prayers, it means a lot to me.

    Shamus - You should say this to her and give her another way to lok at the situation for what it is. Thank you so much for being such a wonderful husband to me, I feel truly blessed everyday! I love you.