Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Talking to your kids about - SEX

Yes, the time came last night to finally have this dreaded talk with our daughter , Ariana (11). I will admit, as much as I thought I was prepared for what was to come, I certainly wasn't.

I have been doing SO much research on the topic to prepare myself and NOTHING even came close to preparing me for what my daughter was going to tell me.

I've heard and even read lately that, we as parents, shouldn't be naive about what our kids already know about sex.  I didn't think that I was being naive. I mean, I was sure she had heard those words being thrown around at school, but I was sure she didn't really have a clue what any of it really meant. I imagined she thought of sex as in, It's something gross that adults do to make a baby. And to some degree, that's what she thought about it. But little did I know, she had heard worse.

Even after being warned NOT to be naive, there was still no information talking about what it is that kids know. There was certainly not anyone sharing what their kids have told them.

What DID I find?  Parents explaining how to talk to your young ones about sex. This did not help me. Perhaps we should have talked about this earlier on, but I was trying hard to let her keep her innocence  as long as possible.

I posted previously that I didn't think my daughter (11) had reached the appropriate mature age to have this talk. But ready or not, she was hearing terrible things at school.

FYI: We did plan on getting books to help us (and her) with this talk, but didn't get around to it in time. I still plan to get some for her, because I know that this talk is not over and will hopefully continue so that we can prepare her the RIGHT way.


We decided to make cookies with the kids and talk during this time. Mainly to ease the tension and so she didn't feel like we were so much lecturing her. It helped make it a two sided conversation rather than us ramming information down her throat.

We asked if she was excited about her talk at school tomorrow. She said..not really. (not surprising)

I asked if she was aware of what they were talking about. She answered..not really. (Yeah, we're getting somewhere, right?)

I asked again, you have no idea? She said..puberty? (I knew better than to believe she didn't know)

No. Are you just embarrassed to say? She said..yes. (Phew! I finally broke her)

So you do know then? She says..yes, sex? (I thought it was going to be a long night)

We explained to her that sex was not something to be embarrassed about. That it is a beautiful thing that God created for a man and wife to share and bring them closer together and to produce children.

We went on to explain how, with most everything that God creates to be good, Satan will do everything in his power to (and she finished my sentence for me) DESTROY! (exactly, so she's understanding)

We explained what a HUGE difference there was in what was meant to be and what the world has twisted it to be. Meaning: Sex outside of marriage,and throwing it around as if it's NO BIG DEAL.

We explained that it is a Big Deal and she should never take it lightly.

 I remember in school they taught us (girls) that your virginity was a gift that you should hold on to to give to your future husband. As great as this sounds, this doesn't matter so much when you're in High-School and you THINK you're In-Love. Too many girls give away this gift willingly outside of marriage because they're sure they're with they're future husbands.

I read something (during all of my research) that I thought sounded much better. Not just your VIRGINITY, but SEX itself  is GOD"S GIFT TO YOU. He intends for you to open this gift once you're married and no sooner, to receive all it's blessings. Opening God's gift before marriage would be upsetting to him because that's not what he intended. Waiting brings forth more pleasure. Pleasure in knowing you don't have mistakes to haunt you...and pleasure in knowing you did what is pleasing to God. THIS is what we told our daughter. It's similar to opening Christmas gifts. We have the option to open them before Christmas, but we WAIT so that we can FULLY ENJOY  the event on Christmas day. It may be exciting and tempting to open these gifts sooner, but then regret will set in, when you have nothing to open on that special day.

We covered a few more things, such as why we walked in and walked right back out of a restaurant the other night (A blog on that coming soon). We explained to her why it's not ok to dress like those girls were dressed and that we walked out because it sets a bad example for not just her, but for all of us. We explained that wearing little clothing is ok in the right setting, such as at a swimming pool, but dressing that way with the purpose of getting or seeking attention is NOT OK. Shamus did an excellent job explaining the dangers of dressing for attention and that it draws NEGATIVE attention not positive.

The rest of the conversation was similar. She did not ask any questions (not surprising). But it was a very productive conversation and we told her we wanted to talk again after her class at school.

What I didn't expect.......
After we were done talking, Ariana followed me into the other room and hesitantly began to tell me something I was not prepared for. She began to tell me that she had been scared to tell us this before, because she was scared we would be mad at her for being friends with people she was friends with.

Let me just backtrack for a second. She has a friend that gets off the bus at the same time she does after school. I just recently told her she could invite this friend over to do homework if she wanted. The past few weeks she has come to the house. I noticed the girl found it hard to look me in the eye, but was always polite, so I was fine with her coming over.

Ariana proceeded to tell me that this particular friend has not ONE but TWO boyfriends. (I was thinking ok, big deal, they are just playing games at this age anyway) She then explained that she met one of the boys online and told him she was 13, but just turned 12. (here's where the story gets a little deep) The other boyfriend she has, happens to already be a daddy and she calls herself a 'Stepmom" to his kid. (Uh, What?)

She went on to tell me that , when getting on the bus the other morning, her friend was holding her stomach and complaining that she hurt. This young girl, while on the bus, proceeded to tell my child that she had stayed all night at her boyfriends house (the one with a child) and he hurt her. 

I asked Ariana HOW he had hurt her friend. She gave me a funny look and I knew what she was suggesting. I asked...did they have sex? She answered me Yes, I think so. (Wow! I wasn't ready for this)

But Sadly, this is not where the story ends. Apparently, this girl's father found out and she was beaten for this. (this is the story that I was given anyhow.) The teacher at school noticed bruising and sent her to the office. CPS was called. Ariana said she was telling me all of this because her friend is scared and doesn't want to be taken away from her parents. I explained to her that there wasn't anything we could do. I was sad to hear this story, but relieved that she was not coming clean about something she had done. I did make sure and tell her that she would be right to be a little scared to tell us if this had been her, but that she should know not to expect a beating, no matter how angry we are and that she could always talk to us.

I asked how it was that this girls parents didn't realize she had stayed the night somewhere. She said her friends parents were under the impression she was with a friend not a boyfriend. (what an eye opener, DON"T trust what your kids say)

I start to feel guilty too strict sometimes for not allowing Ariana to surf the web or for not giving in and buying her a cell phone,because everyone else has one. But after hearing a story like this one, it reminds me again why we don't allow those things. We are protecting her from the world. When you don't allow them to surf the net, they won't end up in chat rooms...Period.

I feel like our talk with her was productive. Hopefully she understands now that we are here for her to talk to about ANYTHING.



  1. Um, WOW! I can't believe you tackled this--good for you. I love that you were so open and honest with her. Even though it was embarrassing for her, I think you did the right thing by letting her know that you: 1. Care enough to talk ti hear about it 2. Are there for her to talk to 3. Came together on a united-marriage front to discuss these issues with her! (I really love that your DH took the part of the conversation about how girls dress!)

    I'm amazed at how much information young ones have these day. Sheesh. I played with Barbies until 8th grade and even THEY weren't having sex--now 6th graders are into it. So sad. A friend of mine in advertising said there is something called KAGOY that ads use--Kids Are Getting Older Younger. Sad.

    I totally have your back on clothing rules, 'net restrictions, and no cell phones. Stand firm on those!

    Will you still allow your daughters friend to come to your house?

  2. Okay, so here is a link about cloth diaper washing:

    FYI--I use Charlie's Soap which is $10-12 for 2 lbs. But, you only use one half of a tablespoon of detergent per load so one bag lasts around 8 months.

    Sorry to put this on the sex talk page but I couldn't find your e-mail address :)

    (Plus, if more kids had to wash poopy diapers maybe they wouldn't have sex. Ha ha!)

  3. I agree with you, Reagan...I was so pleased that Shamus took the reins of the 'dressing' part of the conversation. I think it means a lot to a little girl, what her Daddy thinks about those things. I'm very proud of him for always being such a great dad!

    And Barbies, I know! I wish kids would just be kids. I also wish parents would pay closer attention to what their kids are doing.
    Yes, Ariana still has a baby doll she plays with and this is what made me think she was still so innocent!

    As far as the girl goes. I let Ariana know that I think this girl is a bad influence. I told her if she wants to be her friend that's fine, but she will not ever be going to this girls house. I told her if her friend wants to come over that's fine, but it was BEST if she didn't offer and that they don't spend too much time together.
    Inside I wanted to 'Freak Out' and tell her absolutely NOT. But I knew the minute I did that, she most likely would not be coming to me to talk ever again. I told her I trust that she knows right from wrong and she should never let anyone's wrong actions influence her.

    In this case, I honestly don't know what the best solution is. All I know is that I do not want her scared to talk to us, because pretty soon, she will be dealing with her own struggles and I want her to feel comfortable confiding in us and asking for our help and support.

    I would really love to know, would you have allowed the girl back at your house?

  4. In response to your question that isn't directed at me (sorry about that) I have to say...I would definitely let that girl at your house as often as necessary to try to get her some good influence in her life. She needs to see that there are people who love her and that she's worth taking care of herself. She needs all of the positivity she can get since she's clearly not getting it anywhere else.

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  6. gamommy2two- Thanks for your response. I appreciate any and all input! :)

    The biggest part of me just wants to protect my daughter. The other part of me just wants to take this girl in, like you said, and show her what it is to be loved and worthy of love. Perhaps that is something I should address with my daughter...that as God's children, we are here to SHOW what his love is and be a good representation of his love. Thanks again for your valued made me think about it a little differently!

  7. Thanks SHHM! I love new followers!